Being Married to Musician

**UPDATE** Please see this post for my thoughts on being married to a musician.  Thank you!

 

 

I have been bombarded with hits to my blog from people googling three similar things:

Being married to a musician

Being a musician's wife

The life of a musician's wife

I was telling Brad that I didn't think I had enough posts that were easy to find about being a musician's wife and that I was worried I wasn't hitting on the topics people most want to know about.

I realize that part of it is that many people want to know what it's like to be married to a famous musician.

I can't help you there.  My man is currently working his arse off just being a musician.  He's playing lots of gigs around Seattle and is planning two mini-tours for as soon as the album is done, but he is far from being well known outside our circle in Seattle.  For now. ;)

However, I know there are plenty of other people out there who are married (or committed in some way) to musicians and that's why they're coming to my blog.

For some answers.

But I really don't feel like I know the questions.

So, readers.  I know you're out there.  I know you may just be stopping by on some quest for information. 

I really, really want to help you!  

What do you want to know?  If I don't have the answer I will find someone who does.  

Non-musician's wife people:  Do you have any suggestions of what people may want to know?  

You can post comments totally anonymously...you have to leave an email but that won't be seen by anyone but me, and if you don't put a name I will assume you desire to be unknown.  That's totally okay.  Use an alias if you wish.  Whatever.  (Rude comments will be deleted, though.)

Help me help you.

HELP ME HELP YOU!!

 

 

Comments

[JosieRae]

I want to know why Brad isn't famous yet!!! :)

[Sarah]

my guess is that some other wives just want someone else who knows what they're going through. I know lately reading other preggo stories and blogs helps me feel normal and therefore make it through another day:)

[Kimberly]

Yes, I suppose that just being me is all I can do...I just hope that is enough!

[Taylor]

Hmmm . . . .
My husband is most assuredly not a musician.
I am thinking maybe musicians have different schedules-late nights, practices, shows, etc. Perhaps advice on being supportive on a demanding schedule?

[Sarah]

Hello, I am a musicians wife. I was just looking for some else in the same shoes. Do you get to see your husband play much? Do you take your kid(s)?

[Addie]

I am marrying my fiance in 5 DAYS :-) he is a musician & I know what to expect because we talk about it a lot, he is very serious about it. But at the same time, I don't know what to expect from our relationship..I'm worried if it will effect our relationship in the way that we wont really have time to be newlyweds...

I just need to talk to someone who is going through this & help me get a little idea of what to expect..we are a young couple. I'm 20 he's 23 we've been together 5 years! He's my best friend & I support him 100%, just worried on how it will take its toll.

[Cara]

I came to your blog because there is not one support group for girlfriends/wives of touring musicians, which is a shame. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years and for the past 2 years he has been touring. I can't imagine my life with anyone else but the long-distance relationship is so hard and it's not just a temporary long-distance, it's his career which is the complete opposite of mine. I just wanted to see if there was any one else out there that had any helpful advice.

[Jade]

I hope you have time. I found your blog because I am in love with a musician, but I really respect you and envy you for handle it. I got a few questions: is this whole musicians&groupie, sex, drugs&rocknroll (whatever) thingy just stereotyping? how can you handle these "groupies"? sorry, my english isnt the best, im from austria

:)

[Kimberly]

Jade: It depends on the genre of music and the culture you're in. Email me at [email protected] and we'll talk more!!

Cara: Hopefully what you've read so far has been helpful. Feel free to email me at the above address if you ever have questions!

Same goes for Sarah, and anyone else, too. Sarah, as far as taking my kids to shows, I do sometimes if it is a day show at a venue that allows kids. Brad mostly plays bars and festivals that are too crowded and overwhelming. I go to as many shows as possible, though! If and when he tours we'll all probably go along if it is longer than a week and if we can work it into our schedules. If not, we'll make it work, but one of our standards is that he is not gone much...if he had the opportunity to tour with a nationally/internationally known band we'd make an exception but not more than once every couple of years.

[Betty]

Ugh. Recently engaged to a musician. I have children and he does not, but he is a fantastic step-father to them. I don't know. He was in a band when we first got together and I would help book gigs, do their social networking, and go to as many of the gigs as possible. It was so hard being out until 2:30am and getting up at 5:30am for work. He couldn't contribute to our income, so we were seriously struggling on my salary. The guys in the band, not him, were always high and/or drunk. My friends quit coming to gigs with me and eventually I found myself spending night after night alone at the bar, "watching" him play, of course. Well, he eventually quit the band, and I did the whole supportive thing. He got a job making pretty decent income and we have been able to pay off bills and not count change to get a soda. But now he is talking about going back to that lifestyle and when I speak up, I am, of course, in the wrong. Despite the new piano, guitars, amps, other stuff we've bought and countless shows I have sat in. Last night "I want to take you out" turned into me watching him play at an open mic night. I love him, but I don't know if I can handle being a musician's wife. I hate knowing he is on the road with drunk drivers, has girls following him all over (which he pays no mind to and it is not a problem for us), and that the time dedicated to the band is more than he can give to us. It makes me want to cry. He is mad at me for wanting him around more, even though he knows I am his biggest fan.

[Mae]

So glad to have found this blog! My musician started his career and our relationship about year ago. I can totally relate to what you all are saying. They are common threads - crazy schedules, "watching him" from afar, living life as a single mom, groupies, etc. Yet we girls have to remain strong, supportive, and not whiney. Otherwise, we devalue ourselves and our relationship.

Having a support group like this, akin to military families, is good. And think about it, even "normal" families have to deal with schedule differences, too. All we can do is appreciate the time we are together and cherish our conversations.

[anne]

I personally hate it. i married my "childhood sweetheart" and best friend.it's lonely and when you spend time together its all about him. lack of commitment & no support. music is the wife. my husband would like children and i would love some. nonetheless, i don't think we will because i don't see it working out. i will stay with him for as long as i can because i love him. however not enough to have children as i do not want to be a single mother emotionally. i find my husband as a musician to be a very needy person.

[Sheila]

Is this site still available?
I am married to famous musician with 2 kids and 2 grand kids
I also compose and use to sing
Looking for others to meet and greet to establish some common interests in this life style I have been in for 40 years
Love to hear from mature and understanding women in this kind of life

[Juniper]

Yes, me too. I've been with my husband for 12 years and he's always been a working musician, but now that I'm a little older (e.g., not in my 20s) and my career is opposite in hours and pace things feel more strained. It makes me feel a little crazy sometimes trying to figure out how to say 'fun' and supportive but keep up my life as well. He's on the road now and getting more focused on music then ever before, I guess he's feeling the pressure of age as well. It's really nice to read similar stories, validations.

[paulie]

Hello, I suppose I am also pretty late finding this blog, but I have been engaged for 2 years with a musician, who is a bit known in his country but not abroad and who is giving all of his soul and energies to achieve his goals and make his dreams come true.. I already thought it was hard, or maybe that I was too weak for this situation - but I love him and after 2 years long distance relationship I left my work, my family and my country and reached him (5 weeks ago). It's just the beginning but I already feel nothing has changed and everything is as hard as always. I wander whether I am too weak or whether it is normal I feel this way. I feel music is always more important than me. Almost no time spent together. I started working with him and so supporting him physically too, but I feel I lack love and care by his side (even though I know he loves me)....his mind and heart is only for music and his dreams realizations - which I support but... I am a human being and I need more...

[paulie]

All we can do is appreciate the time we are together and cherish our conversations.

Hi Mae, sorry I reply... I just posted my own experience and then I read yours.. my problem is also that I don't have "time spent together" to appreciate...his mind and heart are always thinking of music and he's also so busy he cannot nearly talk to me when having dinner together (and I begged him to start having dinner together)... I feel so lonely, even though I know he loves me. That's so crazy!

[paulie]

Hi Betty,

I couldn't help replying... I am in a very similar situation. My boyfriend, let's say fiancé is a pianist composer and plays solo, but his mind is always for music and when I complain I wish to have a bit more of his time and attention/mind, he says I don't understand him and his efforts to achieve his goals and realize his dreams.. I love him and I just left me work, family and country for him... but I am so scared I am not able to handle being a musician wife, as you said...I know he loves me but I feel it's not enough for me.. and I always feel lonely and cry...

[paulie]

Hi Juniper,

so you have a totally different job? I have just left my job and country to reach my fiancé, but I sometimes feel I need to have my own job in order to keep up my identity and my personality... on the contrary, I am happy to try to help him, since I want to understand as much as possible of his soul. Yet, he always thinks just of music and I always feel lonely and ofter unhappy. I know he loves me but , as sad, I feel unhappy. And in this situation I want to be supportive and fun.. it's really tiring...and difficult.

[Angel]

Hello I'm a wife of a musician. We've been married 6 glorious months and we adore each other but the lifestyle is certainly a challenge at the best of times

[Sabrina]

Hi. I am 19 and I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. I am in college in upstate New York studying landscape architecture and he is in New York City studying music composition. He is my first boyfriend and my first love and my first anything, and I can't imagine being with anyone else, but sometimes I feel that we are just headed in directions that are too different. I do love him with all my heart but the stress of the distance and my worries that I'll hold him back or he will lose interest in me on favor of someone who shares his passion are getting to me lately. I really just need some advice.
Thanks

[Mary]

Hi Betty - I totally understand where you are coming from! My husband is 60 but plays in a band with younger guys and gals. The girls that follow my husbands band around cause us issues in our relationship as do the other band members. Two of the other guys in this band mess around on their wives all the time and hate the fact that I know about it. One of them is good friends with my husband and really ags him on to flirt and check out the girls on the dance floor all the time.... even in front of me. I finally had it and opened my mouth to his friend at a gig, when one of his mistresses was there and he was trying to hide it from me. My husband got really angry with me for saying something to him... and we had a huge fight. Now he won't let me go to any gigs with him anymore. There was a girl in the band and they flirted with each other so much that when I would attend a gigs he would treat me like $#*& in front of her by ignoring me, not touching me in any way. If I tried to touch him he would cross his arms and back away from me or look away. He would especially do it if she was anywhere close by or looking at us. I don't think anything was really going on between them other then flirting but it was horrible and he hurt me so bad I don't know that I will ever forgive him. After 20 years of not smoking... he started up again and smoked with her on breaks. She was the only one in the band that smoked. When I found cigerettes hidden in his car and confronted him about it he told me it was my fault that he was smoking. This girl has now left the band but the other guys in the band make comments to me about how much my husband misses her. We have been married for 20+ years and together for 30+ years. I work but he is retired and our child is grown. I spend my weekend evenings home alone now and I don't know how much more my nerves can handle. I work all week and miss us being together. That has all changed now. Not sure how I feel about him or us anymore.

MBL

[[email protected]]

Anne, I can so relate! My husband tours half the year and I have finally accepted the fact that music is his "wife". As sad as it is, its just the reality that I come second to his career. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother, but I have had to accept that my dreams will not come true because he finds his own dreams much more important. I stay because I love him and I know he loves me, but I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep living this lonely life. Its sad to feel alone all the time when married... that is not what I thought marriage was supposed to feel like. I can't help but feel like I am failing though when I think about ending the marriage. Maybe I just need to accept that its not failing, but actually being strong enough to search for happiness again. Best of luck to you from a woman who truly understands how hard this lifestyle is. XOXO

[lauren]

I am so glad I found this blog. I have not read all the threads, but I will! I am a former "groupie" turned musician's wife. My bass/keys/guitar player is also and attorney... when I would much rather him be an attorney who is also a musician. They are two full time jobs and he refuses to place music as a hobby. Financially, it is a wash. And please don't think because he is a lawyer that we are in any less debt than the rest of young America. SallyMay owns us. We have a toddler and I am an elementary teacher. Between his law work and gigs, I feel starved for attention. The gigs I do make it to, he is too busy running sound and being "in the zone" to spend time with or even acknowledge me. (Yet it means so much to him that I support the music.)
I do not want to be the whiney wife, but most of our fights are about the music.
He just cannot (or will not) place his family as a higher priority than his music. It makes me feel sad and alone. Not to mention stressed out being a single mother several nights a week.
From the comments I have read, we are all pretty much in the same boat. So... do we hope or cope? or both?
We all seem to be asking the same questions. Is there a balance?
No matter what the answer is- if anyone has it- it is nice to have support.

ALSO**** Everyone should read the Jimmy Herring interview in which he talks about his wife. I want her patience.
http://www.artsatl.com/2013/04/qa-widespread-panics-jimmy-herring-guitars-life-road/

[Krissy]

I understand what you are saying about how even "time together" really isn't time together. When my fiance watches tv with me he is still practicing on his guitar. Recently, we were in New York City and I really wanted to go to MOMA. This is the ONLY thing that I wanted to do. While at the museum, he was on his phone texting people from home trying to get them to come out to his weekly jam session (that he couldn't run because he was out of town). His mind is consumed with his guitar. When we were going up and down the stairs he had his hand in the position like he was holding a pick and he was practicing in his head.

It's rare that I really feel like he is 100% present. Is his guitar something that I'm ok with taking priority over me for the rest of our lives together? We just got engaged a month ago, and I was THRILLED, but now I'm really starting to wonder whether we really have anything in common. I work in finance, and he teaches music lessons and does gigs. I'm getting my MBA and he's getting a jazz studies masters degree. If "something better comes up" he ditches me on the spot. I asked him to come to my company Christmas party this year and a few days before the party he was offered a gig (low paying and in the suburbs) that he still wanted and it created a heated debate. I'm very understanding, but at the same time it doesn't seem fair to always feel like an afterthought.

[Cindy]

I have been with my musician boyfriend for a year and a half. I've always taken pride in how supportive, patient and
Understanding I've been with his music. We fell in love quickly and beautifully like a fairy tale and talked about marrying and having a family someday. But over time, slowly and surely im losing patience as I see I always come
Second to his music and im not happy about it. We never plan vacations or do anything fun together because his energies are all on the band. He doesnt plan anything ahead with me, but says yes to everything band related- and he isnt even touring yet. Now he is about to starting touring and wants to create a life of traveling and playing music as he says that's the only thing that will make him happy. He says he loves me to death and wants to still have a family someday and wants to find a way to make us work together. I told him I don't want to have children with a man who will be gone on the road because children need stability and I don't want them to have an absent father. He says he would fly us out or take us with him. That's not realistic. I love him so very much, but I also want a partner to share life with, not someone who is sharing life with his bandages and strangers/groupies. That's not a love partnership for me, personally. It's so hard because if it wasn't for his band and goals with it, I couldn't ask for much more or anything else in a man. I love who he is, but as someone posted earlier, I'm a human being with the desire to be close with my true love and live life together.