I've previously talked about the alien that inhabits my husband and I've realized lately that I have my own times of introversion, too.
Unfortunately, when both of us get on these orbits, it can really complicate our whole trajectory and knock us waaaaay off course.
The struggles we have been slogging through in the last week or so have been twofold. One is deciding where go from here. There are so many things we'd like to do but are limited by our resources, time and responsibilities. This seemingly innocuous fork in the road would not be so frustrating if not for the second emotionally big ticket in our hands...
The second struggle involves relational hurts we have had to deal with in the last year. Thankfully, these aren't the results of any real tragedy but they are poignant none the less. Though some might argue against the validity of our feelings, which of course only serves to cheapen our experience, this is not the truth. This chain of events has come at quite high a cost indeed. We have come to grips with the understanding that very few people in our lives will be able to understand it. However, it has been very hard for me to strive against defending our experience and our decisions. Defending ourselves is pointless for many reasons, the least of which is that we have no voice to do so to any real effect and the greatest is that we are commanded by our beliefs not to.
Both situations are best left up to the Almighty. (Yes, I'm one of those people...)
But when you put yourself in such an awkward pair of shoes, you can't walk without a hand to hold...in short, you leave everything up to the supernatural. Supernatural forgiveness, supernatural healing of hearts, supernatural acceptance and dealing with our own shortcomings which have/had a large hand in the situations. Supernatural peace in deciding what to do next, supernatural signs, perhaps, or supernatural happenings.
Not to say we'll just sit on our laurels and wait for someone to knock on our front door with a list of things to do or a job offer or a record deal.
We've just been so focused on the big decisions we have to make and while we know we need to do something next, both Brad and I have been at a loss to figure out exactly what that is.
So we both wrapped ourselves up in our own emotions and fears like mummies and retreated within. Which resulted in a pretty crappy week.
Spending that much time inside my own head? Not a good idea. Apparently I'm not that fond of my own psyche.
It all came to a head a couple days ago with the first panic attack I've had in almost two years.
Not fun...not fun at all.
Not being able to swallow...my heart feeling like it might beat right out of my chest.
I guess my self had to do what was necessary to get away from my...self.
I think that was Tuesday. We met with friends who are wiser than we and trustworthy as well (those words mean more now to us than ever) and I came out of my shell and talked and talked and talked.
I am an outward processor...I have to talk out my issues and problems to figure them out.
They had encouraged Brad to talk as well...at some point.
But when we got home we just went to bed.
So naturally I felt worse in the morning.
Awesome. (can you hear the sarcasm?)
Then, something truly awesome happened.
I got a hold of myself by the late afternoon Wednesday because suddenly (supernaturally?) I had clarity as to why. I had been convincing myself that there must be something really wrong with me, but then, I had it.
(um...in case you didn't know, that's the sound of that little light bulb going off over my head. You need to watch more cartoons...not the new ones, the old ones where cats and mice and coyotes and roadrunners kick the snot out of each other. Then you'll understand)
I had come out of my introverted tailspin, but heard nary a word from my mate.
No ten four good buddy, I'm dealing right now.
No get right back atcha when I'm ready to talk.
But I knew all I needed to do was wait.
Because while some people take silence as passiveness...as a lack of leadership...as, well, unmanly...I knew better. Silence that lasts too long can most definitely be those things, but because I know and trust my husband...because, while he has made mistakes like anyone in the world, he has shown himself by his actions to be worthy of my patience, kindness and long-suffering. I had kind of put him on the spot at our impromptu get together with friends and now what he really need me to do was wait just a little bit longer.
And finally, when the words came, they were articulate and lacked any of the maliciousness, wrath and aggressiveness that can come with dealing with difficult situations too quickly and therefore too harshly.
He told me how he felt, where he was, what he needed. He listened to my suggestions and answered my questions.
Some went unanswered with a simple 'I don't know'.
And that's okay. Because not knowing, and admitting it, is extremely humble.
I like that in a guy.
So we shed our introverted emotional bandages, made some plans and laid out the possible foundation for the next chapter in our lives.
Then we did what all married couples should do when they've been apart, even just emotionally.
We did the macarena.
What did you think I was going to say?
So today was filled with more hope and expectation than we have had in a while. There's big things on the horizon for us, we're sure of it.
They're just too far away to see the details, yet.
And that's okay.
Contentment can be supernatural, too.